It was over 22 years ago that a friend and I decided to launch a website together where we’d cover video games, with an IGN-knockoff-style forum that allowed us to grow a rather substantial network of like minds. Growing up in a rural small town, through this online outlet I found a culture, community and many friendships that lasted throughout childhood into early adulthood.
I viewed writing not only as an outlet, but as an active means of investigation, and also a presentation of what ran through me when I sat down to begin the act of writing. I would be surprised to see styling coming from books I’d read and the expression of other writers percolating into my stream. Writing became a meditation where I was viewing what emerged when my fingers typed away, first initiated by a prompt or requirement (in the case of receiving review copies of games). After many years, it was an obligation that fuelled the exercise with the idea of some future payoff or potential career. While I felt myself dragging my feet to bring myself to it, I knew that adulthood would be a routine of struggling to bring myself to whatever it would be that I had to do in the world to get by.
I found silliness emerged when the act became a chore, and when the silliness depleted and I dreaded the act, I stepped away and sought that initial drive to communicate… something, or myself, through exploring new subjects.
I used the site to branch into occultism and spirituality. I stepped away from wanting to contribute to driving consumerism. I had grown up in a house that had debt and struggles, where the weekly groceries added enough stress to our lives, let alone the surprise of breakdowns of vehicles or household items. Devoting myself to a constant stream of “buy this new thing!” (despite getting it myself for free) felt offensive on a level I’d ascribe to the soul. Yet art and writing held import to me, and video games provided the initial spark to set my writing in motion. The contained subject gave me a fixed frame within which I’d decorate the canvas with every post, article, interview, review, etc., building the body of work, even if I didn’t wholly respect the body I was contributing to.
The SATE was something I started on my own. Yet I never found a consistent voice or frame, nor did I establish a regular practice. A few times I wiped the site and told myself I would return with enough conviction to sustain it, but there was also a dishonesty in my approach. I was circling what I actually wanted to write about without permitting myself to write it directly.
In the back of my mind I knew I had wanted to discuss matters that get filed under occultism, and I had a larger drive to establish in readers’ minds an elevation of hypnotism/magnetism as something vitally important, something I felt was culturally ignored and greatly misunderstood. Though I was frustrated with being unable to adequately put it in a form that would be easily digested and understood by the reader.
Besides, the SATE was kind of parked, something on the back burner that I didn’t want anyone to get a true whiff of. I didn’t want to promote it or grow a readership or community around it. It was sporadic, inconsistent, and was something I always had the intention of returning to when I felt that I could step into it proper. For many years I did have a vision for what I wanted it ultimately to be, but didn’t quite know how the site would be a component of that vision.
This year I received the bill to renew the domain and hosting, and I questioned whether I should just let it go or allow the renewal and come at it with fresh energy to see what this meditation of writing would bring forth. Can I use this domain to fuel myself toward accomplishing the vision that I want to manifest as my life? The only way to know is to begin.
The first step was to change the site’s appearance. The next step was this, a return to posting whatever would arise when I sat down to write.
Now what will come? You know just as much as I, though I am curious and have a want to step into that curiosity. We can share in the discovery.